Alright....I'll try

Here goes.  I know that I don't have anything close to words of wisdom or insight into what happened in Connecticut last week.  In fact, I probably know less about it than many of you do.  Because of the young children in my home I kept the TV off on Friday, and John and I did not let them watch TV for most of the weekend. 

(I think they did watch some of Elf on Sunday night....seeing Will watch "the burp scene" is about as good as it gets.  He almost fell off his chair in fits of giggles.)

I tried to keep up with developments on my ipod on Friday.  Then on Saturday night they started releasing info about the victims.  I think I read one story about a teacher and one little girl named Emily, and I lost it.  The tears filled my eyes so much I couldn't continue to read the words. 

By Sunday afternoon John had taken the kids into his office so that he could grab some work for at home.  I was getting ready to bake cookies for the neighbors and the office staff at Katie and Will's schools.  I thought - I'll try it again, this time I'll have the TV on and listen to some stories about the victims.  This time it was about Jessica.  The parents were having a hard time explaining to her little brother why his sister wasn't at home to play with him.  That's it.  That's all it took and I had to shut off the TV and it was 10 minutes of sobbing before I could go about baking in silence. 

That's nothing new - people are crying and sad and the whole country is mourning.  I feel guilty because I literally can't watch or listen or read about any of the victims.  I feel like their life ought to be shared and celebrated, but am sad because I can't bring myself to do that.  This happened in a town about the same size as ours in a school about the same size, with the same layout.  It's obviously hard for me not to "go there" in my head.

Now that we've got to "my head" - let's stay there.  I have an over-active mind and especially ever since I've had kids, images of bad things happening to them sometimes pop into me head.  A few months after Will was born I began to have reoccurring nightmares of him and Katie - but especially Katie - walking along the edge of a skyscraper.  She'd get to the end and just keep walking.  No matter how loud I yelled or how quickly I tried to get to the top of the building, the same thing would happen.  And I would wake up with tears on my face, go back to sleep and have a different version of the same events.  The next one would be them on fire.  Then they'd be in a car going off a cliff.  Then someone was grabbing them and abducting them.  No matter how fast I ran, I couldn't catch up.  After about a month of this I decided that I needed to talk to a professional about these dreams because I was becoming very overly protective of Katie and Will while I was awake and was having a very hard time letting them do anything that I wasn't not a part of.

In talking to someone, she helped me learn to categorize rational worries and irrational worries.  Honestly, we spent about 1/2 an hour on this and about 2 1/2 hours on other stuff that just kind of creeps up with you're talking to someone only about yourself!  Anyway - walking off the edge of a skyscraper - irrational.  (Still, it makes me want to throw up having them at high heights....) Bursting into flame spontaneously - irrational.  Yep - that came up. 
Being in a car accident - rational.  And let's talk about ways to minimize that.  Riding on a tractor - yep, this was one too.  Rational, to a point.  Cab tractors/combines - great.  Open seated tractors - take a pass and wait for a better chance next time.   Anyway, I'm constantly categorizing any fears I have about their safety into these two categories.  Most of the time, I'm doing ok, but I never thought I would have to ask if going to school was a fear I needed to consider.  So these events have sort of shaken my radar a bit.  Katie had the opportunity to go to the Mall of America with Girl Scouts tonight and have some play time at the Microsoft store while they earned their computer badge.  Cool right?  Well, all I could think of was a crowded mall a week before Christmas, icy roads and Katie's ability to get lost and blend in in a crowd.   I couldn't go, and John was sick.  So I chalked this up to an irrational fear and let her go - and she had a blast.  But I would have hated myself if something had happened.

So yes, I've had a bit of therapy.  2-3 sessions to be honest.  I was scared and ashamed before I went - I even kept it a secret from John until after I'd gone a couple times.  And how do I feel after my time with her?  Awesome.  I think therapy should be offered as freely and without judgement as yearly check-ups.  It's preventative care just like a mammogram or dental exam.  There's something in our society about viewing people who need to seek help as weak or damaged goods.  And don't get me started on the cost of something like this if you don't have great insurance. Or the ability to even GET good help for seriously ill kids.

I kind of forgot where I was going - common these days.  I have ZERO answers or ways to make these mass killings go away.  I just know that I'm not even close to being able to watch the news yet.